Help Us Grade Team Names

OK, let’s take a minute to talk about team names.  This is fully on-topic if the topic is the War for America and if culture war is part of that. Control of grammar and vocabulary is a basic element of competent strategy-making in any war.  So…team naming.  Nothing says it can’t be both strategic and fun.  Should be, actually. Join in. Pile on.

The Kraken —   A+   I’m not a big fan of the team or the city, but calling the hockey team The Kraken was brilliant.  Great fan hats.  Great logo.  Dangerous sea predator; just enough silly.

The Jayhawks —   A+   I am a fan.  In fact, I’m a Jayhawk. Not why I give it an A+ though.  The Jayhawk is a colorful, fanciful creature historically rooted in the area’s actual history from the border wars of the mid-19th century and the Civil War. It’s an angry, dangerous little bird that still likes to have fun, especially while devouring Bushwhackers. Confident enough to wear buckles on yellow shoes! Make sumthin’ of it, punk.  Logo makes for a great sweatshirt or hat.

Fighting Hawks —   D-   The reason I don’t give this a full ‘F’ is because a hawk is a fine, fast, powerful athletic predator and there are plenty of good, straight-up hawk-named teams. Pretty sure the Jayhawk is a hawk.  ‘Fighting Hawks’ gets a low-end D-, at least in its North Dakota version. They should change their name back at the first opportunity they have to un-woke themselves. What were they thinking? Sioux tribes whumped up on Colonel Custer, massacred the cavalry in the Fetterman fight and generally frustrated the bluecoats. They forced one of the few treaties with the US in which the US conceded. The University had not chosen the previous name ‘Fighting Sioux’ so as to be hostile or abusive to the Sioux. The naming honored that tribe – quite openly and obviously in the manner that all warriors everywhere honor worthy adversaries. Why did the NCAA and the university do such a stupid thing as to erase the name of that great tribal group?  Because soft-minded, no-honor twits at the NCAA were being dumbass progressive democrats and bullying power-grabbers. At best it is a tale of NCAA pandermonkeying and spineless university admin puke weaksaucery. Ah, there it is — that’s we should start calling the U. of North Dakota teams until they decide to pull their progressive asses out of their democrat butts – the University of North Dakota Weaksause Pandermonkies. The UNDWP.  The UNDWP until they decide to re-dedicate and honor the warrior heritage of their geography.

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6 Responses to Help Us Grade Team Names

  1. Holmes Oliver says:

    Crimson Tide — B
    Too abstract. What even is a crimson tide? Blood supposedly, but nah, sounds more like algae or something, I dunno. And they have a mascot elephant with a droopy, flaccid, limp trunk. Disconcerting. Long history of success or I’d have given it a C.

    Honey Badgers — A+
    Honey Badger don’t give a sh_ _ t. AmIright? I’m right.

    Guardians — D-
    C’mon. Doesn’t get the full F because maybe it would be a good name for some local team given a local historical connection. Being a guardian-type person is OK. But Cleveland? What are they guarding against — bootleg Canadian whiskey? Same as the UNDWP. Better called the Cleveland Concession. May they never win again!

  2. Cullen says:

    Dayton Flyers – B

    Rooted in history. Demonstrating being leaders in aviation is cool. Wright bros are from Dayton – you’re welcome.

    Small fault for being an intangible idea. Are the flyers supposed to be pilots? Aircrafts? The mascot is a pilot, bit the logo is inconclusive.

    • Holmes Oliver says:

      Yes, B. What if they had a second, travel logo of one of the brothers in that first biplane with fire coming out his nose and guns blazing and burninating the Michigan countryside?

  3. Ivan Welch says:

    Team names go with the nature of the team. College sport teams can be just about anything in my book. Banana Slugs is good enough for any activity that involves a ball.

    If your team is about civil security, then I like Benjamin Franklin’s The Illuminators. CHIPS is cute for a car culture California.

    If your team raises holy hell and sheds blood…well we have a history of those as well.
    Devils in Baggypants. Hell on Wheels.

    Of course Enola Gay did some dirty work.

  4. Holmes Oliver says:


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